THIS is an open letter to 2010 World Cup soccer fans who intend visiting Cape Town:
Dear Fans,
You may have read that China intends taking action against its smelly taxi drivers before next year's Olympic Games in Beijing. They have been ordered to take baths, stop chewing garlic and to refrain from spitting and swearing. Beggars, hawkers and prostitutes are also being banished from the city. It will please you to know that Jeff Radebe, our minister of transport, is similarly keen to upgrade South Africa's taxis by 2010, although he can't guarantee any upgrading of the drivers who, as you will discover, are a law unto themselves. They may not smell, but they could frighten you to death or, worse, involve you in a serious accident.
Fortunately, Mr Radebe is doubling up as acting health minister, and can therefore assure you of the best hospital treatment.
By 2010, most of our taxi drivers should have a valid driver's licence or, at the very least, a good imitation thereof.
This entitles them to drive very fast, swing across three lanes of traffic without warning, stop suddenly in a busy lane to pick up a new fare, and to hoot continuously to alert potential passengers that they still have room for one more, although three existing passengers are already sticking out of the windows.
Do not be put off by the condition of the vehicle. It could well be one of the 20%, or perhaps 50%, that the minister has overlooked. If it lacks a steering wheel, most drivers are adept at pointing in the right direction with deft use of a pair of pliers. You will also be amazed at the strength of masking tape, which is frequently used to hold a taxi together.
Two warnings about high speed. If you become fearful, do not stamp your foot against the floor as if you were depressing a brake pedal. Your foot could go right through. And please do not ask the driver to slow down. He will then tell you to get out, without stopping to enable you to do so.
If you hear nearby shooting, duck immediately. It is probably a member of a rival taxi association trying to kill your driver, and is not directed against you personally.
Don't worry about any swearing you may hear. It won't be in your own language, and even the famous four-letter word beginning with an "F" will consist of only three letters, with a different vowel. You may, of course, decide not to take a taxi and walk to the stadium instead.
You can't miss it. It will be the next biggest landmark after Table Mountain. Ask any Green Point prostitute to show you the way, or lead you astray, as the case may be.
Unlike in China, they will be allowed to give you every assistance, if our police chief Jackie Selebi's recommendations are accepted. You can also drink intoxicating liquor in public - another of the commissioner's suggestions. In fact, if you anaesthetise yourself first, your taxi journey needn't scare you at all.
johnvscott@mweb.co.za
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